“When you’re on your own, you look for signs. Sometimes you make them up, sometimes they’re actually there, but most of the time you can’t tell the difference from the two.”—Cecelia Ahern (via quotes-shape-us)
Lately I’ve been super addicted working out. I opened my membership on May 1st and still have not taken a single day off yet. In fact, I have been doubling up on the last few days with both bootcamp and body pump classes back to back. According to the body fat test, I’m within the “lean range” (17-25%). But I don’t want to stop there- I want to be in the “athlete range” (under 17%). In order to do this, I need to have self-control when it comes to food and alcohol. I have sacrificed my social life because it gets in the way of my strict diet. I have to eat and go to bed during a specific time. I won’t hangout with people unless it’s involves some physical activities. Low carb is my main diet. I’ll carb up during the day because I know I’ll burn them off, but I’m just sticking to greens and protein for dinner. Dessert will only be fruits. I know I had a late start, but I am determined to build a four pack by mid Summer!
Also, I’ll be going to my first therapy session tomorrow! Everything is starting to fall into place. I learned that sometimes I need to speak up and reach out to others. The silence was only hurting me inside and just blogging about it doesn’t help. Anyway, stay tuned for my road to recovery!
I’m upset that I couldn’t even be honest during my therapy intake phone interview. They asked me if I had considered harming myself and I said no because I don’t want them to “report” me. I wouldn’t do it intentionally but I’m tired of feeling this pain. Literally, I have no one to talk to about this. I don’t want to become an emotional vampire and be a burden to my all of my friends. I’ve decided to make my way to the exit before I feel the abandonment from my friends. I can’t talk to my family about this because of the stigma behind mental health. The only person I can really turn to is my therapist and I can’t see one until next week. Lately, I have felt more alone than ever and I can’t seem to control my emotions. I go from high to low within hours and it gets worse while I’m at work. People are either awkward and don’t know how to approach me or they’re insensitive to my situation. I don’t even feel like I have any type of support from work anymore. My life has been in a state of turmoil and all I want is guidance from someone.
I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. and it’s these things I’d believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn’t all she should be.
I love her and that is the beginning of everything.