Ermergerd. Never will I ever fit three dates in one day. It was exhausting to reintroduce myself after every two hours. However, I could really do without date #2. Here’s a quick recap
Date #1: She was pretty laid back, a little awkward, but super sarcastic at the same time. There were times where I didn’t know whether to laugh or to be serious. I guess her jokes were a little dry. Otherwise, I would definitely consider being friends though!
Date#2: She was super basic and boring. She’s pretty cocky for someone who’s not even cute. I felt like she was just trying too hard. Then she started listing out all the bad qualities about herself off the bat, which became an instant red flag for me. Oh and she doesn’t drink so I got stuck doing dinner with her. The sushi wasn’t even that great, but I definitely enjoyed it over her company. Also, she’s Asian and couldn’t even use chopsticks correctly. Minus 1 point. In result, I could pass on this one.
Date #3: Wow, she’s super attractive. Her face was so flawless and I couldn’t stop staring at her perfectly shaped eyebrows. I actually got shy on this date and could barely make any eye contact. She’s super artsy, adventurous and free spirited. I thought she had a pretty interesting life story and most of all, I scored a second date with her for this Friday night :)
“I’m not looking for something that catches
fire to burn spectacularly for only a few short
nights, but a simple gentle love that lasts until
my time is up.”—Beau Taplin || The slow burn. (via afadthatlastsforever)
I just realize that I have a shit ton of disposable income right now but somehow I still manage to feel empty. I thought money was suppose to buy me happiness? (jk) But really though…I don’t think I could ever spend that much money on myself. In fact, I’d rather spend it on someone else. More money, more problems, I suppose.
Life is great. If feeling isolated and depressed wasn’t enough. Today my +1 bailed out on me. So I won’t have a date for my friend’s wedding and I’m feeling pretty shitty about that. All I know is that there’s going to be that awkward gap next to me with her name on the place card.
But it’s okay. This isn’t about me. It’s about my friend’s wedding and I need to be there for her and not let this person ruin it for me. I don’t know that I could speak to her again. I hate being rejected and I had been looking forward all month long to bringing her. I don’t know whether I’m hating the fact that I’ve been rejected someone unattractive or that fact that I’m always the lone wolf to my friends parties. I have never brought a +1 to any event. And surely, that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is when you’ve been single for five years, while most of your friends have made further progression.
Also, I had an anxiety attack during lunch today. I’m so thankful to have a friend from the east coast to be there for me over the phone. I can’t thank you enough and I hope that you know how much I value our friendship.
I know that I’m going to get better. I’ll be seeing my therapist on Wednesday and hopefully that will smoothen out the chaos in my life.
I don’t know who’s exactly following me on tumblr, but just know I’m not usually an emotional vampire.
I really miss my therapist. I don’t understand why the clinic is closed down for three weeks. I need her and that’s the scary part. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t seek a therapist because I hate feeling dependent on someone. In the end we’re all going to end up alone and it’s only a matter of time.
I have been feeling more lonely than ever. I had dinner alone tonight and realized how much loneliness has taken over me. It’s sad that no one will believe me because they think I have too many friends to feel that way.
I hate that I have to cross the bridge to go home from work everyday. It’s the same bridge that I contemplated suicide on during the night of Christmas Eve in 2011. It freaks me out each time and tonight I panicked in tears because I had all these terrible thoughts of how my life would have ended.
I think I’ve made up my mind. This is the last thing I should be stressing about. I realized that I shouldn’t have to try this hard and that it’s not fair for me to extend my effort when it’s not reciprocated. This whole time I feel like I’ve been searching for all the wrong signs. This is the reality and I need to accept it.