Random. But I think would like a relationship for the sole purpose of going on adventures with. I mean, friends just don’t do that. I have a list of things to do and places to go, but no one really meaningful to share those memories with.
Just when I thought I had a chance to pursue A again, she’s actually dating someone now. I don’t think she actually knew that I considered her. I would always speak highly of her to my friends and they would ask me why I’m letting this one get away? She’s definitely sweet, considerate, and willing to keep things balanced. Our last date was on Valentine’s Day and I felt like an asshole for not making the effort to keep things going. On top of that, I was traveling a lot for work, which made it difficult to stay in touch. Seriously though, that shouldn’t even be an excuse because I knew that I would always take forever to get back to her and just tucked her underneath my priorities. But I guess everything happens for a reason, I was too focused on getting FT and maybe that’s why I have been passing up a lot of good women. At least, I have my priorities straight? My mind was just too occupied in my career and sooner or later, that’s all going to have to change. Tomorrow’s the big day. I meet with my boss in the morning to chat about the result of my interview that happened last week. Wish me luck.
Yeaaaah forget it. I’m not going to try and initiate anything anymore. I think I’m officially done with pursing others. It’s a game that I never intend to finish. Maybe that’s why I hate playing video games :P. Well, that’s a whole different story. But seriously though, I’m tired of always being the first person to text and to initiate dates. I didn’t sign up to play the masculine role. I just want things to be more balanced when it comes to dating. Ugh.
I’m beginning to believe that I’m an actual lost cause to my dating life. It always starts out with meeting a really attractive girl and then a part of me suffers from the idea of vulnerability—which then leads to the part where I’ll say “I feel like I’m waiting for something that’s never going to happen”. It’s never going to happen because I’m always scared, trying to act cool, and not allowing myself to be me. I’m also upset that I can’t seem to bring myself to holding a conversation without wanting to be semi-intoxicated. But the first step is to admitting that I have a problem. My problem is that I get super anxious around attractive girls. Its to the point where I find myself worrying about what they are thinking about, than actually paying attention to what they’re saying. And when it’s finally mine turn to talk, I freeze up and I just want to avoid the conversation all together.